1. No kick ass opening credits sequence.
2. The tagline of the movie was “the untold story”, so why is all we see of Peter’s parents them playing hide and seek with him and leaving?
3. Someone broke into the Parker household, logic tells us it was Oscorp, but the movie never tells us why, who or what happened.
4. Obviously because Ben is you’re brother he and his wife will take care of your 5 year old son with no question. Don’t even say thanks.
5. Now he’s a teenager. So much for the untold story.
6. Peter’s parents. Just as a whole. They’re not great. They might be expanded upon in the sequels, but in this movie, they’re not great.
7. Peter has a skateboard.
8. Peter has a camera that looks older than my Game Boy Camera.
9. Peter’s appearance. Andrew Garfield, he’s not a bad actor, but he’s a bad nerd, he doesn’t belong here, he’s too cool for someone to want to punch.
10. “Get up, Parker.” Two seconds later “Stay down, Parker.”
11. Aw, did Flash break your giant dinosaur of a camera Pete?
12. Gwen doesn’t even know Peter’s name at this point. Somehow though she will fall completely in love with him in the next week or so of story. I call bullshit on that one.
13. Peter’s parents again. Someone is after them, someone that scares them enough to force them into hiding, not only do we not get told who the ##%+ they are, but Peter’s parents just abandon their son to Ben and May. You know who I go after when I can’t find someone? They’re family. Maybe you should have warned them instead of saying “Hi, here’s our son, we’re never going to see you again, Lol, Byyye.”
14. “I think it’s the condenser tray.” “No. Blah blah blah, it’s not that.” Because the average teenager knows more about plumbing that uncle %++%%#% Ben.
15. Uncle Ben never actually says the great power, great responsibility line. He just dilly dallies around it like an +$+++$@.
16. Spider-Man uses bing. No one uses bing. Not even bing uses bing.
17. Peter sneaks into Oscorp pretending to be someone else by taking his name tag. You really expect us to believe a place like Oscorp would have name tags for people to grab with no proof or ID? And when the guy he was pretending to be shows up, and gets dragged out, why not check his wallet first? Odds are he’d at least have a single thing proving he’s who he says he is.
18. Adrian from Little Nicky is the bad guy. He’s too bad ass to be a baddie.
19. Gwen isn’t even slightly creeped when this guy she seemingly just met (Peter) shows up at her work pretending to be someone else.
20. Bad guy doctor man has a pretty complicated lock code for that door, but luckily eagle eyed Peter Parker (who needs contacts) can see it from over 10 metres away in restricted view. Bullshit.
21. They have a giant room filled with experimental spiders, and Peter can just walk right in without needing a code or setting off an alarm or anything? ##%+ Oscorp, you need better security.
22. No one notices Peter walking around on his own throughout the building. He’s got giant glasses and is the only person not in a suit or lab coat. Pretty god damned hard to miss. Install some security cameras.
23. The soundtrack. It’s not painfully bad, but the original trilogy’s soundtrack was %++%%#% incredible. I mean when the reboot was first announced, one of the things I knew I’d miss almost as much as the cast was the soundtrack. I still have the score albums of Spidey 2 and 3, I lost Spidey 1 though, L.
24. Bing again? God damn it, man.
25. Peter knows where Doctor Connors lives. Sure he may have asked uncle Ben, but he didn’t seem to know much about Connors, so how’d he find out so fast? No one puts their address on the internet, if he did he wouldn’t be so surprised and against Peter showing up out of the blue. Maybe a phone call would have worked better. You know, the phone you never %++%%#% answer when your uncle calls you on it? That one.
26. “I was best friends with your father. Then he took off and I had a #+*$$ fit. That’s why I never bothered to see you or your aunt and uncle these last 15 odd years. But you might be able to help me grow a new arm, let’s be friends.”
27. Oscorp have been working on this @*+% for years. With probably millions of dollars and geniuses to throw at any problems they encounter. So why can a teenager who has no background experience in such things magically crack the code that Doctor freaking Connors couldn’t do with ##%+ knows how many years of research on it?
28. Peter is dicking with Flash, just like in the first one. Before he got knocked over by Flash five minutes into the movie, just like in the first one. The love interest came and tried to bail him out of trouble with Flash, just like in the first one. Now he’s being lectured on right and wrong by his uncle, just like in the first one.
29. MUMBLING %++%%#% TEENAGERS! I don’t care how funny her masturbation pun was, this crap is not needed.
30. Seriously. The music is damn bad. Before I was commenting on the score, this is just a random song they chucked in, and it sucks.
31. Peter is skateboarding again. There’s no middle ground. You’re a hipster or a nerd Peter, make your choice.
32. OBVIOUS stunt doubles. Granted I was looking for it because I saw it in the special features at some point, it’s still pretty obvious when the guy swinging around is Asian.
33. The Ganali Device. They won’t let you use it because it could be loaded with a biotoxin and used to poison people… but they will let you leave it in full working condition at Oscorp. %++%%#% Oscorp, man.
34. Peter doesn’t answer his uncle’s call. Nephew of the year.
35. He rejected his uncle’s call. Which would have been a reminder to pick up his aunt. He didn’t pick up his aunt. He doesn’t even say sorry. Then he storms out and breaks the door. You’re such a goody two shoes, Peter.
36. Literally everything Aunt May has done up to this point has pretty much been ignored by everyone. It’s like she’s background noise.
37. He has his phone on him all the time, ALL THE TIME. Tell me why he wouldn’t have just dialed 911 when he saw his uncle bleeding out in the street? You’re a bastard, Pete.
38. Yet another useless scene, I’m okay with useless scenes, the part that annoys me is that this crap with Flash stayed in the movie but some REALLY essential story parts appear only in the deleted scenes menu.
39. Ever been in a punch on when he gets like five of his friends join in? Yeah, you’d run to. So Pete makes it up to the rooftops pretty quickly… How did the guy he was fighting get up there first?
40. Does Peter ever pay attention in class? Pfft, work is for nerds, I’m gonna draw a superhero costume.
41. The web fluid. I liked how they handled that. The web shooters. Not so much. ##%+ around for five minutes and suddenly he’s got a fully working web shooter?
42. Testing your web shooters in the field? Why start somewhere small? Jump off the highest building you can find and hope they work, you’re a genius.
43. Uncle Ben died like a day ago. You seem to be showing no signs of caring or giving a crap about what your aunt must be going through. Oh Peter, you emotionally dethatched bastard, you.
44. Attaching a giant geeky antenna to your phone does not make it a fully functioning police scanner.
45. Peter and Aunt May’s relationship. She doesn’t even notice him leaving for hours on end? Does %++%%#% anyone in this family actually care about another member of it?
46. The five seconds of first person view. On of the trailers in 2011 or so had a full 30 second scene of first person running, jumping and swinging. It looked amazing. In fact, it was the first time I actually felt positive towards this reboot happening. Another thing they cut out.
47. Aunt May asks for eggs for the first time.
48. How the ##%+ does Spider-Man get inside a locked car before a burglar with a high tech lock cracking device?
49. How the ##%+ does Spider-Man know which car the burglar’s going after?
50. How the ##%+ does Spider-Man get out of the car before the buglar?
51. The police and their giant roadblock for Spidey. I don’t know if the producers hired way too many NYPD cars and just wanted them in the film, but that is just flat out %++%%#% retarded.
52. Aunt May asks for eggs for the second time.
53. Peter has the living @*+% kicked out of him right now. At school the next day though, he won’t have a mark. Does Peter wear make up?
54. Gwen goes out of her way to be involved with Peter. Andrew Garfield is no ugly fellow, but she’s Emma Stone. She could have pretty much anyone. Why would she be so interested in a guy she met like a week ago?
55. Peter comes through her 20 story high window and she’s not even slightly surprised.
56. Denis Leary playing the father of Spider-Man’s girlfriend and not swearing.
57. More. Damn. Mumbling. Teenagers.
58. They think they’re completely in love with each other, and they’re about to have their first kiss now? Confuzzlement.
59. Secret identity revealed once.
60. Peter leaves Gwen’s place without his backpack. Peter arrives at the bridge with his backpack.
61. Dylan Baker isn’t playing Doc Connors. No disrespect to Rhys Ifans, but Mr. Baker played Connors in Spidey 2 & 3, I feel bad for the guy that when the Lizard finally becomes a bad guy he’s not there to play him.
62. Somebody help, my kid is trapped. Why are you out of the car, sir?
63. Secret identity revealed twice.
64. The car would not catch fire that quickly.
65. Spider-Man is hanging from a web, connected to a bridge, telling someone to trust him and climb. Where have I seen that before?
66. “Who are you?” “Spider-Man.” DON’T %++%%#% NAME YOURSELF! You can’t top number one because Bruce motherflipping Campbell was the guy who named him, but you NEVER name yourself man. That’s gay as @*+%.
67. “I really liked kissing you. You’re an amazing kisser.” Is not the dialogue I’d have in my superhero movie.
68. All the damn lizards. Why are there so many of them? Where are they coming from? Are the going to the lizard? Are they coming from him? What the hell?
69. I dislike that this movie has so many flaws a pun about 69 wouldn’t even save it.
70. The stack of Daily Bugle papers. Thanks for reminding us that JK Simmons won’t be in this movie.
71. Spider-Man’s phone. He’s playing it again. He’s about to nearly drown. Is that damn phone invincible?
72. ALL THE DAMN LIZARDS! WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THEM THERE? ARE THEY A SYMBOL OR WHAT?
73. Peter taking photos of the Lizard and Spidey. That worked in the first 3, because they explained that Peter wanted a job at the Bugle taking pics of himself. Peter doesn’t work at the Bugle in this one. Why would you want to take photos of such things if not for money?
74. “Property of Peter Parker.” You sir, are a grade a, %++%%#% moron.
75. The movie is littered with Sony’s phones and tablets, they’re god damned everywhere. So when Peter goes out web swinging with the police chiefs daughter, no one happens to catch a snap? Does this movie just make all phones disappear when they’re really needed, like when you’re uncle is bleeding out and you don’t call 911?
76. Bad guy talking to himself. Because that didn’t happen at least once in every other Spidey movie.
77. The school fight. Right after the Stan Lee cameo (best part of the movie) the Lizard just retreats? He was winning the fight! What the hell man?
78. Secret identity revealed like 5 times. I stopped counting before, if you pay attention, he only takes his mask off when no one else is really around or can see him. Like at the end with the cops when he gets unmasked, he keeps his head down and avoids being seen. You know what I dislike about this though? You have to watch the movie about 10 times to pick up on it, because the first 9 times you’ll think he just enjoys the fresh air on his mask-less face.
79. The Lizard leaves his entire plan on the computer for anyone wandering around in the sewers to see.
80. The Lizard suddenly has a new lab coat. He just broke his last one. Oh, now he’s tearing this one off. WHY DO YOU LAB COAT!
81. The SWAT team somehow knew where the Lizard would be to ambush him.
82. Peter’s phone still works. Bull. %++%%#%. @*+%.
83. Peter tells Gwen to leave Oscorp while she’s working on a Lizard antidote. She instead evacuates everyone and completes the antidote. Thank you for not listening to your boyfriend Gwen, you just saved New York city from becoming a giant lizard cage. Gold star.
84. The cops shooting tazers or something at Spidey. What the hell are they shooting?
85. The cops being so obsessed with Spider-Man. He’s hurt no innocents, meanwhile the Lizard is turning SWAT guys into Lizards. I know which of the two I’d be focusing my tazer based weaponry on.
86. The god damned crane scene. How %++%%#% convenient.
87. The giant Oscorp logo floating in a circle floating above Oscorp tower. That thing is ridiculous.
88. “Detonation in T-minus 2 minutes.” Nope. If you’re a bad guy, about to detonate something, you’re not going to wait for that, you’re going to hit the fast forward button.
89. Liquid nitrogen, how convenient.
90. 3D. Or the lack thereof. I paid extra to see this in 3D at the cinema, it was the last or one of the last movies I ever saw in 3D. You know what would have worked well as a 3D scene? The %++%%#% first person shots you cut out, I was pretty freaking exited for that in 3D. But instead there’s literally zero 3D moments. Thanks.
91. Peter shows more emotion when his girlfriend’s dad dies than he did when he held his uncle as he bled to death.
92. Captain is not an appropriate first name. Seriously, think about it. They NEVER mention this guy’s first name in the movie.
93. Peter comes home with the holy crap kicked out of him, again. Aunt May is either the worst guardian ever and should show a little concern, or Aunt May is the stupidest #+*$$ ever for not putting together all the little pieces and figuring out her nephew is the god damned Spider-Man.
94. But all is forgiven because PETER FINALLY BOUGHT HER SOME DAMN EGGS!
95. The funeral. Just like Spidey 3. “Why weren’t you there Peter? I missed you Peter, everyone else was there Peter, Flash was there Peter, blah blah blah.” Too many damn people were there. In Spidey 1, when I spotted Flash at Harry’s funeral I thought it was a great nod to the first installment, then when you see Gwen and her father, both of whom said literally zero words to Harry in his life, sitting at the funeral you think it’s a little bullshit. Funerals are not a party, you don’t just bring everyone you know.
96. Peter FINALLY listens to the voice mail uncle Ben left on the night he died. You shouldn’t be able to anyway, your phone should have died 50 times.
97. Peter is now friends with Flash. I’m just going to assume it’s because Peter got buff and not because of Flash’s intellectual symmetry to Peter.
98. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” “Yeah, but those are the best kind.” %++%%#% REALLY? You promise a dying guy you’ll stay away from his daughter, you abandon her through the crisis of losing her father, then when you feel like you miss her you just go back on your promise and think everyone will be okay with it. You’re a total !*%#, Peter Parker.
99. The post credits scene. 1, I dislike that nowadays you have to wait through nearly every movie for them because they’re the in thing right now. 2, It’s in the middle of the credits, not the end, so I stayed in the cinema ‘til the end for nothing.
100. Peter never actually catches the guy who killed Uncle Ben.
101. The 101st thing I dislike about this movie, is that it’s not Spider-Man 4.
Don't even get me started on the video game of the movie. That is by far the worst $69.95 I've ever spent on anything. It's the interactive embodiment of all that is wrong with the movie. Actually, I think the game might ever be worse. Coming soon: Everything I hate about the Amazing Spider-Man, video game edition.